Easters. Eggs. + Eli

† Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; He has risen! -Luke 24:5-6 †

 † HALLELUJAH! He is Risen! †

It’s been EIGHT Easters with you today! Eight. And neither of us are the wiser for where the time’s gone! I was only half sure you’d even want to do our traditional tree/egg hunt, but silly me! “Of course I do, Mom!!” And yes, my heart melted. So I brought out the eggs.

Unlike last year, we weren’t quite in such a hurry. And unlike every other year, we were in quarantine. Yes, we are living through history right now, Eli, as is the whole world. For the rest of your life, and our own, we’ll never forget this time. The slowing down, the being more present, the locking down in our home as the world shuts down around us. And yet, how fitting (almost) as it’s still occurring during Holy Week; allowing us serious time to reflect together. We’ve done things this week we’ve never made time for! There are so many silver linings to the sadness we see around us, and that’s been our mantra each day: Focus on the Good. Seek and ye shall find.

I marvel at how much you’ve grown!! You could barely wear these shoes and this was your only “non black” outfit that mostly fit you. It’s crazy to think back to years and years of Easters with you where you wore the exact same outfit…and it had never occurred to me that you weren’t really growing! It’s so funny how I’d just never suspected anything was wrong. To me, you have always been perfect. But–we’ve figured it out, helped establish your treatments, and now: you’re my hero. So YES, yes you are growing by leaps and bounds now, and taking your injections like a true warrior. ♥ (more…)

Austin Bridal Editorial | Banks + Leaf | Wedding Sparrow

When we are asleep in this world,

We are awake in another one.

-salvador dali

Rest. We all need it. NEED. And while I rest, sleep, and take a break, I’m suddenly awake in my creativity. We all were. Texas and its white skies that week woke us all up from within, while simultaneously allowing us to re-set: To be more creative than we’d allowed ourselves time for. It was heaven on earth for those four days. And resting beneath the canopy of trees that dwarf you, while being surrounded by friends who truly get you and whom you truly love, was magic. When I close my eyes, I’m already back.

From an Austin Editorial with Banks + Leaf. Whom I already miss.

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Sixteen.

Sixteen. Our grandparents were right. It flies by. They said you’d blink and it’s another year over. Another year lived. Another year you loved. ♥ And we did! It always blows my mind seeing all the thousands and thousands of old photos of us and what we’ve done, where we’ve been, and what we’ve survived. Truly, it’s miraculous. And in some sense, it doesn’t actually feel all that long. But in photos, it kind of feels like a lifetime already.

When I see those tiny, young faces, in the photos of us when we were such babes all those years ago, I think of all the things I wish I could tell us. Or perhaps, I think, I wonder how life would have been different had we known what lay ahead of us? Sometimes, I think it would have been profoundly easier to have known what was coming. And yet, other days, I find great pride in looking back at our sweet faces–seeing such hope inside our eyes–and knowing NOW that we made it. Through it all and without warming. We survived, we conquered, we thrived. Depending on the situation, we did it. And we’re still here. We’re still here!!

Sixteen years ago today, I put on my white dress. I peeked outside at our ceremony site as people poured in: All our family and friends…and boy did we have a lot of them! You slipped a note through the door of that room that said “I love you!” and moments later I could see you, standing outside, at the head of the aisle, waiting for me. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered so hard, I remember thinking I could fly right then. I feel that still sometimes just when I see you, or when you do the unexpected. In my heart I knew I’d feel this way all my life for you, but seeing it play out has been nothing short of exhilarating!

Our road together has been a beautiful one, but it hasn’t been without some pretty big hills to climb. And some deep holes we have to dig ourselves out of—some have been so deep, I swear we couldn’t see any light from down there. But, looking back, I think we’ve felt the most joy during those times too, mixed in with our sorrow or pain. Because the feeling of overcoming something, or making it through something together, is immensely satisfying. And truth be told: you’re the best digger + climber I’d ever want on my team.

If I could talk to 19 year old Shanny and 20 year old J, I’d tell them to try not to worry. That it will seem like an impossibility sometimes not to worry, and that yes, sometime life will seem like it’s ending. But it won’t. I would tell them that worrying might feel like the right thing to do, but that in time, and by God’s amazing grace, the two of them will be okay. Frets or not. That while their livelihood will be swept away with the water over night, it’s not the end. Not even close. That while they’ll have to face a scary cancer diagnosis, it’s not the end. Not yet. Not even close. And that while they’ll have years and years, and years worth of yearning, trying, and spending all their time, prayers, and money on trying to grow their family, they’ll have to bury more babies than they’ll ever get to hold. But it’s not the end. Not even close. I’d tell them that even when they were hurt by those they love the most, cheated on and dismissed by those closest to them, they’d still be okay. That they’d be better for having lived through it and that it wouldn’t, ultimately, be the end at all. Not even close.

But then I’d hug them both and say that even though that all seems scary, there will be so many belly laughs each day, yes each day, and that the next day will rise with the brightest of sunshine. That they’ll find some of the greatest friends the world has, and family members who love and uphold them. And that they’ll still stay up late into the wee hours of the night talking, uninterrupted, like as if they were on their first date…sixteen years later. That they would raise the most amazing, amazing little boy who will shape their lives forever and make them happier than they ever thought possible. I’d tell them that they would be awesome parents, and even better business partners. And that they, WE, would be happy. And still madly in love.

In sixteen years, I doubt anyone could have prepared me for the life we’ve had together, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Not the “scaries,” the losses, or the days when we were brought to our knees. Because we’re so much stronger for it. So much wiser. So much better. And so much happier. I can’t explain it, but I can feel it. I’m so ready for another sixteen years with you, Babe. Buckle up, love. The ride is crazy bumpy sometimes, but oh so crazy, crazy fun! ♥