You know…I’m not sure how I’ll make it through this small notes to you right now. And I’m feeling kinda lucky that my fingertips don’t have their own tears since the ones in my eyes are already spilling onto the keyboard. It’s not a rarity for my mind to be preoccupied with you…but on days like this, I’m back to being a little girl who has the biggest crush on this one boy whose name is Jason. And just like that, I’m undone. 

Today makes twenty. Twenty years of officially wearing your ring, taking your name, and waking up from a “nightmare” dream a few times a year that I’ve married the wrong person…only to wake up and hold you close because the man in my dreams is actually just you. Oh but truly, who does that? I suppose when you’re ten years old and you absolutely, without a doubt, think you’ve found your person already, and then it becomes a reality (only by the grace and miracles of God) do you do that. Oh yes: I do! I do that!  

This morning, our precious boy made us breakfast in bed: pancakes and buttered toast. “I was going to make eggs,” he said, “but I wasn’t sure how to use the stove here.” On the counter of the kitchen he left a note for us both. It was so beautifully written, I could hardly make out the words through salt-filled eyes. His last sentence made my cheeks stain with tears: “Thank you guys for being such good parents…

Thank you for a good life. Love Eli.” 

Trying to reflect back on everything we’ve done, experienced, traveled, seen, and survived through seems truly overwhelming. I have tens of thousands of photos of us and likely twice that in my own colorful memories, and yet…how can so much time have escaped us so fast? “Time flies when you’re having fun” it’s said, so is this truly why? I mean, it’s no secret that you and I have been buried before–underneath true sorrow and pain that’s swallowed us whole sometimes; and, yet, I swear to high heaven our joys have felt the same! Our valleys are dark and deep, but our mountains of joy are beautiful, peaceful, serene, bright, and full of the wonderful dance that life swings us through. 

Speaking of mountains…today we spent the day on one: In the fresh air, sunshine, and warmth, all under the bluest skies with so many wild-flowers at our feet it was hard to fathom. You and I, and our sweet, up-for-anything-boy, E, hiked for hours today. Sweat poured from our brows and down our backs, but we were smiling. And singing: Yacht Rock songs of course! We stopped for lunch and shared a fallen tree as a bench. We snacked on a shared turkey sandwich you’d made for us, and felt the coolest of breezes on our skin. Moments later, it started to rain. It felt amazing…for a minute. And then we heard the soft rumble of thunder from the distance and suddenly it was pouring. Ice rain! We all laughed as we didn’t have much to shelter under–where were all the trees to hide us all the sudden? Eli had packed a small, hooded sweatshirt and I had a light scarf in my bag, but you were smart and had a full-sized jacket buried in your backpack. Underneath it, you and I shared shelter, and a small bag of red grapes as the rain beat down on us. I laid my head in your lap as I listened to the rain pounding on your coat, the leaves of the brush, and the soft dirt beneath our feet. And I listened to you and Eli discussing your favorite Pokémon characters. Small, purple flowers that covered the grounds around us bent beneath the weight of the droplets, but glistened all the same. I smiled. “This,” you started to say to me when it got quiet:
“This is what 20 years of happiness looks like.” 

You’ve always had this uncanny way of saying exactly what I’m feeling deep inside my soul and even still, you’ll say something I desperately need to hear. I know we are so very much the same, but I also love how very much of YOU you are… As I finish this memory-bank note to you on the night of our two-decade anniversary, I find a small folded letter you’d hidden for me at some point today. It’s long, hilarious, and yet deeply sentimental and I am so grateful for the gesture and grateful for you, J. You are my brightest sunshine, my happy heart, my steady hand, my strong rock, and my forever and ever love. I wish the word itself was longer, but it’ll do for now. Thank you for twenty of the best years of my existence.

To at least eighty more, my love! xx Shan

xx